I did this to myself
One of the hardest things of my burn out was accepting that I was burned out and that my own actions throughout the years led me to this point.
I always went to school or work during periods of depression. I would only allow myself to be emotional at home. After a crying session I would pick myself up, put on my mask and keep going. I did this for years.
In 2018 my body was finally done with the way I treated myself. I kept ignoring all the physical and mental signs.
So my body decided to pull the plug on me and I started to physically shut down.
This was my first blessing.
Wanting to do something, anything, but not being able to physically do it, is extremely painful and confrontational. My burn out showed me that my mind and body weren't aligned at all. I was too focused on what society wanted from me and not at all what I needed for myself.
Accepting and deciding
My first lesson was to accept that my way of thinking was flawed. I always felt like I had to give my all and be perfect in every aspect of my life. I always saw depression as a burden that came to ruin my plans for a successful life. But now I know that I was depressed, because I was working so hard trying to find success instead of fulfillment.
There comes a point that you have to just sit there, within the situation and accept it. Accept that the life you used to have is over and that you are standing at a crossroads.
And so I had a choice to make. I could heal and go back to using the same thinking that got me into this mess or I could change and choose a life that fit me better.
Healing from a burn out has everything to do with taking responsibility for the actions you've taken so far, accepting them and choosing to take different actions.
When everything you choose is your decision, you no longer see yourself as a victim of your circumstances.
Of course we will have to go through difficult situations throughout life, but it's always your choice how you respond to it.
And the realization to have the decision to change whatever you feel needs to change in your life, is also a blessing. Because by consciously choosing comes the power to control your own life. A dear friend taught me this and I am forever grateful.
Using my time and energy wisely
During my burn out I was extremely low on energy. Therefore, I had to plan my days according to the level of energy I had.
Two years later, I now know what gives me energy and what or who, takes it from me. I know that I have to mentally prepare myself to be in large crowds, to not go shopping without a list - to prevent me from having a panic attack- and more.
By taking my energy level serious, I am able to keep going throughout the day and napping less. I am aware of what my limit is energy wise and if I cross it, I have to deal with the aftermath.
I am still not where I should be energy wise, but there's definitely progress.
The blessing of it all
Even though it was very confronting and painful, I am so grateful for the experience.
I was forcefully stopped in my tracks and I had to face myself and my habits. I had to ask myself some tough questions and actively change parts of my personality. I became a better person towards myself and learned to be more assertive and set boundaries.
But I also had time to explore my talents, wants and needs.
My burn out helped me regain focus of what's really important to me. And I learned to be proud of small accomplishments.
I now know myself a little bit better. And I can relate to and share my experiences with even more people in the world.
So how can I not be grateful?
Talk to you soon!