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I've recently had a very profound experience.
What the outer world saw, was me being silent and seemingly having a depressive moment, but the real battle was going on inside. I had a child around 10 years old screaming at me to let them pass through. She screamed at the top of her lungs that she was in pain, and was ready to physically attack me if she could. Every curse word was thrown my direction. And the only thing I could do was apologise, say that I understood her and hold her. Both people were me. One was a child and the other was a 30 year old.
A series of events that happened that week, triggered all the pain I had inside, to rush back up again. Normally I could control it with knowledge and logic, but this time I was completely overwhelmed, lost my inner control, and let the child in me rage. To shield the people I love from the verbal assault she was spewing inside, I blocked myself off completely and went into a silent state. A feeling of extreme loneliness came over me and I had moments where I sobbed uncontrollably, because of the emotional pain I felt. From the outside, I looked like I had a depressive moment. I felt very alone while going through it, and from the inside I was holding on to a kicking and screaming child. I came very close to the point of just letting her go and dealing with the consequences later.
But the thing is, you can't allow a child version of yourself to run your life. When the moment comes that you're able to take back control as the adult, you are the one left behind dealing with the aftermath. Words, once said cannot be taken back.
"Hold the hand of the child that lives in your soul. For this child, nothing is impossible"- Paulo Coelho
The parts of you that live inside
Alot of people are being run by their inner children. Everyone has an inner child, a critic, a responsible adult and survival mechanisms.
Your inner child is a childhood version of you that lives inside you. A child is spontaneous, direct and impulsive. Children wear their emotions on their sleeves and live in the moment. Your inner child might come up when you see a trampoline and feel the need to take off your shoes and jump on it. Or when you hear the theme song of a childhood-series you used to watch. You also learn to deal with adversity in your childhood. If you've developed unhealthy survival skills, this will also be how you react in your adulthood, if left unaddressed.
The inner critic is often created and portrayed as a critical parent, teacher or maybe the bullies you've encountered. The inner critic is that negative voice you hear when you get excited about something. They are the cause of that sinking feeling you feel right after.
The responsible adult is who you are in your normal state of mind. The responsible adult is aware of their flaws, trauma, and is able to regulate their emotions. This is the one who should make the important decisions in your life.
Our surviving mechanisms are the ways we've taught ourselves to get out of a situation safely. Many times we've taught ourselves unhealthy ways of dealing with conflict or other situations that feel unsafe. We are either too confrontational or not at all. We hide our emotions or allow ourselves to be consumed by them.
In short, these are the parts that live inside of us and dictate our reaction to the outer world. It's not to be confused with dissociative identity disorder or any other personality disorder. These are actual terms used in psychology.
There are different ways to become aware of these parts and how to use them when necessary. The goal is to have the responsible adult as the leader in your life. Outbursts, screaming and attention seeking are actions of your inner child. But if you're visiting a theme park or playing lego's with your little nephew, definitely let that part of you come out and play. Giving them enough attention, will prevent them from coming out in moments that are inconvenient for you.
Being aware of where your pain is coming from at the moment, is a skill you have to train.
If you would like me to teach you ways to get into contact with the different parts of yourself, please let me know in the comment section down below. Thank you for reading!
Talk to you soon.